Kakashi's Hell
by Jikoo
Summary: This was supposed to be Kakashi's perfect day off, with nothing to do but read his precious book. But fate and some miscivious Jounins puts an effective stop to that...Chapter 3 is up! A big secret revealed! And fighting up the WHAZOO!
1. Oh happy day

This is kind of a gift fic for Yujo, spawned by a kindness and a disfunctional brain..Oh and by the way, Naruto is not mine

**Kakashi's Hell**

The rays of the sun seeped through the forest canopy of Konoha creating a beutiful glow that bounced off every single thing that got in it's way

Yes everything was very nice, the sound of a soft wind ruffeling the branches of the threes, the happy chriping of the happy birds, the jolly clucking noise the little river made, and a happy but slightly deranged giggle from of happy but skightly deranged man.

As mentioned before this day was very nice, or atleast that is what Hakate Kakashi thought of it

No students to train, no missions to complete and no worries what so ever

Today would be all about him and his latest copy of his favourite hentai manga

As he plopped down on his favourite branch of his favourite tree, he took a moment to take in the perfectly happy suroundings on his perfectly happy day. Ah yes, it was indeed a very happy and perfect day, Kakashi thought to himself as he flipped the pages to a particulary juicy part of his precious Come Come Paradise.

Kakashi giggled in the same demnted way as erlier as blood started to trickle from his nose. Little did he know that of all the perfect days in his life, this was the one he would remember the best. And for all the wrong reasons.

In a shady corner of the local Ramen bar, three equally shady figures sat hunched over three steeming bowls ramen.

The group looked quite scary, two men and one woman shilhouette looked like they were planning a murder of some kind. But anyoneone dareing enough to take the trio in nearer eyesight would have discoverd that they were not scary at all. Espesially the bowlcut man with the shamelessly thight forest-green bodysuit.

Gai, Asuma and Kurenai were enjoing their vacation. Actually every jounin in the village had time off, due to the newly founded Konoha holliday "The Week of Fortunate Mishaps" It had been decleared a year erlier when Itachi had tried to get a hold of Naruto a second time. He had been almost sucsessful after taking out nearly 34 jounins, 17 genins, 3 dogs and a goldfish. In the end it was the girl who worked at the ramen-bar who had been his bane. When he tried to kill her with his trademark Gaze-o-Doom she had cleverly put up a mirror in front of her, causing him to look at himself and fall over dead. This had led to Sasuke going totally crasy, he locked himself up in his house for two months only coming out to get food. And that was done during the night. If anyone talked to him he only muttered something about "his life beeing a waste of time" and sped back to his house. Not that anyone really cared, it was good to have the angsty brat out of their life. When he finally got out, he was new man....... or woman. It was all in the eye of the beholder, really. Sasuke had finally come to terms that his brother was dead, his revenge furfilled even though not the way he had envisioned. But he was so mentally unstable he refused to wear anything but a pink frilly dress...It was all very disturbing..

"So" Asuma said casually as he blew a very casual cloud of smoke into the room.

"Where is Kakashi today?"

Again he blew smoke into the room, but this time in a more manly way. After all Asuma was a very manly man, no doubt about it. At least in his own mind, that is.

"Probably reading that perverted book of his" Kurenai snorted, waving Asumas casual but manly smoke out of her face.

"Yes" Gai continued "Disturbing behaviour, naughty, raunchy and bad" "That's also part of why he is my eternal rival!" Gai said with increased vigor.

"He is naughty and bad, not at all like my kawaii little Lee!"

Gai's eyes were starting to water up as thoughts of his precious little green-clad lovely swept over him.

"Here we go again" Asuma gruffed ruggedly, as more nicotine entered his testosterone filled bloodstream.

"LEEEE!" Gai practicly screamed, earning him an embasserd shush from Kurenai

"Get a grip Gai, stop sobbing" Kurenai shook him by the arm, and Gai regained his posture, but still had a fiery glint in his eye

"Leeeee...." he sobbed quitly, his theeth glinting in a small smile.

"So, back to Scarecrow-boy" Asuma huffed, as he stroked his rugged beard.

"Souldn't we mess him up a bit? For beeing so perverted I mean?"

"Hmmm" Kurenai smiled sweetly, (well as sweetley as a snake, going after her pray could look) "That's not a bad idea. But what?"

Gai, sensing and oppertuinity to mess with his rival shot up from his sobbing position with a devilish smile. "Ive got just the thing!"

Meanwhile Kakashi had gotten to probably the best part in all of the "Come Come Paradise" series. Ayame was just about to enter the high-school all-girl dormatory.

Kakashi squeeled like a little girl and clapped his hands in exitment. As he turned to the next page, he was forced to pull down his facemask, to keep him from drowning in his own nosebleed.

Meanwhile the tree shady figueres in the dark corner of the ramen bar, laughed so evily that Orochimaru himself would have envied them.

"Good one Gai" Asuma huffed "So we have to get either his book or his mask?"

"Yes, yes" Gai said exited "Wonder what he lookes like under that mask though? Anyone of you guy ever seen his face?"

After a quick moment of afterthought, the three came to the same conclution

"No" they said in unison.

"How about we make this interessting?" Kurenai said almost smugly

"What?" Asuma and Gaid answerd

"A bet" Kurenai exclaimed, whilst looking at both of them seductivly

Asuma could feel the wast amount of testosterone in his body, flowing to lower parts of his anatomy. Gai jumped up in his usual over-exited-ness leaning over the table, giving Asuma a full veiw of his rear end, bodysuit taking a loooong hike up his buttcrack. As the image hit Asumas eyes, and made it's way to his brain, he knew instinctivly that something was very wrong. He tried to close his eyes, but his body would not listen to the commands he was franticly trying to send it. In a second that seemed to last a little eternity, the only thing he managed to do, was to brake down and cry, clutching his violated eyes.

Gai turned and looked down at the oh so manly Asuma crying like a baby, holding his eyes. Gai just shrugged and turned back to Kurenai, he knew he had that effect on people. "So what is the bet?" He inquired.

"We try to get prevy's mask or book, one by one, but this is the catch: If one of us fail, we have to pay the price."

"What price?" Asuma sulked, he had gotten off the floor and onto a chair.

"Lets see" Kurenai mused.. "If you fail Asuma, you will have to give up smoking for a week"

"Bah, like I care" Asuma said with fake confidence. "It's no way I'm gonna fail"

"Yeah right" Kurenai said half-interested "And you Gai.." She paused her eyes gleaming evily "will have to stay away from Lee for and equal long period of time"

Gai looked shocked and heartbroken, but suddenly his eyes flaired up "This is the ultimate self-imposed rule! Kakashi you will never take my cute Lee away from me!" he screamed punching the air.

"But what about you, Kurenai?" Asuma asked

"You guys will have to deside" she said casually, but almost as soon as the words escaped her lips, she realized her mistake. "Uh, I mean" she started but it was too late

"You will have to strip here at the ramen-bar!" both men screamed at once, giggeling like schoolgirls.

Kurenai hated the idea, but agreed "It's on now guys, let's find Kakashi"

With that all three shinobi vanished from from their chairs ninja style.

Out in the woods the happy Kakashi, suddenly was stuck by a feeling of impending doom. But after a moment he shrugged it offf, after all he had pressing matters in his hands. Ayame was such a naughty girl, much to Kakshis great pleasure. He flipped the pages and grinned....oblivous to the fact that that would be the last grinning he would do for a while.


	2. Get that book!

Chapter 2 is up, hope you enjoy, thanks for all the reveiws. And I know there is quite a few spelling errors, but I wrote this on a sugar-high, my brain isn't working.....And btw..I love reveiws, thank you again! And Naruto is not mine, nuff said

**Chapter 2**

Asuma was the first one to try his luck. One week without cigarettes was scarier than he would admit. Speeding through the forest he searched the surroundings for any tracks Kakashi might have left behind. After a while he sensed the familiar presence of the nasty copy ninja. Asuma slowed down to a casual, cool and manly pace, after all image is everything. That was the first lesson Asuma learned in his letter class "Manly Men and Why They Rule"

Soon he could hear a slight giggling from the treetops, and sure enough, there was the hentai-bastard himself, completely lost in his own little world.

"Yo! Scarecrow-boy!" Asuma bellowed from the undergrowth.

Kakashi jumped a bit, but immediately regained his usual cool, spaced out composure.

"What?" He asked eyes not moving from his book.

"Come down here" Asuma chuckled, he was so gonna win this stupid bet. He fiddled his cigarettes, patting the pack like a pet.

"It's my day off" came the uninterested answer "We can talk about your beard or Kurenai's boobs another day," Kakashi returned to his book

Asuma grew irritated "Get down, I wanna see your book" he yelled, and made sure to push a bit more of his enormous amounts of testosterone to his vokal-chourds

Kakashi turned his head away from his book and shot Asuma a quizzical look. Actually it was more like "Are you stupid?" but anyhow.. "No", he stated flatly "Go away"

But when he returned to the book of all books, he heard a weird sawing sound, and suddenly the whole tree he was sitting in toppled over. To shocked to react, Kakashi landed hard on the ground, and looked confused up at Asuma, who was looking like rabid dog, his manly, rugged beard glowing with chakra.

"What the hell was that for?!" Kakashi yelled

"My secret technique, sissy-boy, Beard Saw no Jutsu! Now give me the book," Asuma screamed, whilst puffing his chest out to look even more manly and superior.

Now it is well known that Asuma is protective of his cigarettes, but it cannot match by far, Kakashi's zealous protective nature, when it comes to his precious "Itcha-Chan"

"Fuck off" Kakashi spat defiantly.

This caught Asuma a bit off guard, Kakashi usually never swore. But thinking off his cigarettes made him lunge for the book. This was probably the dumbest idea in the world, next to when Lincoln said "Hey, let's go to the theatre"

Mid-lunge Asuma saw Kakashi's arm move. It seemed to move from point A to point B, with no apparent time in between. Asuma's real problem was that point B was located in his face. He hit the ground with a bloody nose, very confused.

"Don't you ever touch my book!" Kakashi sneered. "Bitch" he added, voice full of contempt. Then he kicked Asuma for good measure, and walked away.

For the second time that day, Asuma could feel tears welling up in his eyes, thinking about all the cigarettes that he could not smoke, and the agony of Kakashi totally making him his bitch. Forcing back his tears he focused hard on chapter 5 of "Manly Men and Why They Rule" Manly men, don't ever cry, he muttered to himself over and over, rocking back and forth, hugging himself. Manly Men don't cry...

Then he broke down and cried like a baby.

Gai was in a very cherry mood. As he strolled around in the forest looking for his rival, he started to sing a happy a tune to himself.

"Hey there people, I'm Gai Sensei

People complain about spandex, but look at me, hey

My Jutsu is fast, my teeth are shiny

I tell Kakashi, he can kiss my hiney

I went to a famous ninja school

I'm dressed in green and I'm totally cool

Oh God, oh God I'm the Konoha dream

I push my dear Lee to the extreme

And I'm a handsome son of a biiiitch"

His (horrible) singing abruptly stopped, as he noticed movement in the bushes. Grinning widely, he set his plan in motion.

Kakashi was confused, yes very confused. What the hell had gotten in to Asuma? If he wanted to read some of Jirayia's books, he could have bought them. Kakashi took a familiar path, and headed for home. The day started to return to it's very happy and idyllic earlier state. Kakashi stuffed his most priced possession into his empty kunai pocket and started to whistle a happy tune, but his happiness was interrupted once again, by a grinning green giant. The sunlight reflected in his colgate-uber-white teeth, forced Kakashi to look away.

"Kakashi-kun, my eternal rival!" Gai exclaimed "I challenge you to a duel!"

"Rock, Scissors, Paper, right?" Kakashi sighed out of routine.

"Yes" Gai said, his smile shining so brightly that it hurt poor Kakashi's eyes. "But with a twist!"

"What twist?" Kakashi answered suspiciously.

"If I win, I get to choose a price!" Gai beamed

"Forget it" Kakashi was already walking away.

"What? Walking away are we?" Gai yelled after him. "Chicken! Chicken!"

Then he started making chicken noises, fluttering his arms like wings, his head bobbing bobbing back and forth

"Alright!" Kakashi yelled defeated. "Anything to end this bastardisation of my perfect day!"

They readied themselves and screamed in unison "Rock, Paper, Scissor!"

Gai's teeth shone like the sun as he shouted in joy "My Rock, beats your pathetic Scissors!"

"Yes, yes, what's your price?" Kakashi retorted obviously bored out of his skull.

"I get your book!" The bowl cut man almost screamed, bathing in his own brilliance.

"When toasters rain from the skies" Kakashi snorted, this was getting weird

"But I won the bet" Gai looked confused

"Ain't gonna happen" Kakshi stated and tuned his back on him. But as soon as he did it he felt something. Something bad...

As he looked over his shoulder, he looked into a pair of eyes ablaze with fire. Gai looked like a forest green, spandex dressed devil...

"You will never take my precious Lee away from me!" He screamed at the top of his lungs, tears flowing from his fiery eyes. For just a moment Kakashi thought that if Satan really exited, he must have a bowl-cut.

Kakashi looked mind blown. "What the hell are you talking about? Are you bonkers or someth..." But before he could finish his sentence, he was interrupted by Gai's ominous battle cry

"Konoha Whirlwind!" He screamed lashing out a viscous spinning kick, hitting Kakashi clean in the nugget. But as the kick connected, Kakashi turned into a log.

"Kawarimi?" Gai gasped. "Where is he at?" Looking around himself, Gai was panicking; he could not sence Kakashi anywhere. As it hit him that he could not see the light of his life for a full week, something in him broke. "Curse you, Kakashi!" He screamed out into the forest "Curse you, to the fiery depths of hell!!" Gai waited for a reply, but the forest remained perfectly silent. "Kakashi?" he whispered, like a child that had lost it's parent. "Lee?" Then he started to sniff. The sniff turned into a sulk. The sulk into a hysterical crying fit.

"LEEEEEEEEE!" he wailed into the forest, curled into a fetal position and cried.

From a nearby tree, Kakashi took the whole scene in. This was getting too weird. He briefly wondered if both Asuma and Gai had taken idiot-pills, and decided to get to the safety of his home, quick.

When he reached the brige that he usually met his student by, he heard something that made him slow down. A familiar blonde genin were screaming curses at Sasuke, calling him a son of a female dog among other things. When he looked under the brigde he got an eyefull. Sasuke was standing over a very pissed off, tied up Naruto. Sasuke looked very happy, as he currently was using Naruto to preform make-up practise.

"Kakashi sensei, how are you dear?" Sasuke smiled brighly, swingig around, his pink frilly dress fluttering in the wind.

"Ehrm...what are you doing boys?" Kakashi asked, feeling sick. He would NEVER get used to Sasuke in a dress

"We were just playing a game sensei" he said sweetly, before he was intrupted by Naruto.

"Like hell we were!" Naruto fumed. "The nasty bastard ambushed me, tied me up, and did this to me! Look at me, I'm a freak!" Naruto almost cried

Kakashi looked. Then he blinked. Then he looked again. Naruto was tied up, his hear put up in two buns on the sides of his head. His face was marred with very poorly applied makeup, heavy eyeliner, a ton of lipstick, and so much rouge that he looked like a 60 year old whore. But even though he looked awful, he did not come close to the horror of the ex-avenger in a dress

Kakashi cleared his throat. Then he did it again louder. Actually he had no idea how to deal with this, the spectacle in front of him had turned his brain to mush.

"Kakashi sensei, help me.." Naruto wailed

"Anyhow" Kakashi began "I'll see you at practice tomorrow" Anything to get away from this.

"Why yes of course, precious" Sasuke replied, his voice coated in sugar

"But, but" Naruto started, but Kakashi had already jumped up on the bridge, only to look right into Kurenai.

"Hey Kakashi" she said, voice full of temptation

"Oh god" Kakashi muttered. "Let me guess, you want the book, right?" he said, walking towards her.

Kurenai looked shocked "How did you know...I mean no of course" she fumbled over her own words.

Kakashi stopped an inch away from her, looming over her and looked straight into her eyes.

"N O.... W A Y..." he said slowly, and proseeded with pushing her over the railing, sending her pummeling into the stream below. As he ran for the safety of his house, he could hear Naruto cries for help, and Kurenais extensive cussing fading away in the background. When he finally reached his sanctuary, he bolted the door shut, and went right to bed. Right before he turned out the light he looked up at the poster hanging on his wall. "Never abandon a teammate" it said. "Sorry Naruto" he thought "On days like this, rules give up and go on vacation."

At the ramen bar, three defeated shinobi sat sulking over three sad bowls of ramen.

"Oh woe is me!" Gai broke the silence. "Lee...oh god..." he sniffed

Asuma looked equally depressed, shaking with abstinese, nicotine patches covering his entire body

"Curse that asshole.." he muttered, but suddenly smiled. "But one thing turned out good"

Both him and Gai looked at Kurenai and grinned like loons, holding up a very suggestive nurse outfit.

"Oh crap" was the only thing Kurenai managed to squeak....

"Hit it, ramen dude!" Asuma shouted to the ramen bar owner, who in turn flicked a switch on the wall. The lights dimmed and Tom Jones music filled the room.

"Guys, don't make me do this" Kurenai pleaded, but was showed into the changing room by Gai, panting like a dog.

This going to be the most degrading thing she had ever experienced, she thought as she moved onto the stage dressed as the naughties nurse ever.

"You can leave your hat ooooon, you can leave your hat oooon" Gai and Asuma sang together, smashing Kurenais dignety to pieces. "Kakashi is going to pay, oh yes he is going to pay dearly", Kurenai muttered to herself as she slid around the pole in the center of the room. In she knew just what to do


	3. Revelation

It's here at last, chapter 3! I would like to thank Chibified Kitsunes, Amaurea, Maliciously Creative, Asura Akuma and above all Yujo for sticking with me. And of course every reader of this story. This fic has been kicking my ass, but I nailed it now, with a 5 hour writing marathon. It's a bit longer than the other chapters, so enjoy

Disclaimer: If you think I own Naruto, you are obviously on even more crack than me

**Chapter 3**

Gai was sulking. Not only had he lost to his rival, he was currently losing in his dungeon and dragons game. His once mighty forest wizard had been transformed into a dim-witted dwarf with all the mystical powers of a wet sock, by Kurenai, the swamp enchantress. Asuma the mountain-troll had seized the opportunity to smash the defenceless midgets head inn, with a tree.

Yes, life was bad. In fact this was the worst vacation ever. It was even worse than the vacation were he had been left in the zoo, and a mountain gorilla fell in love with his eyebrows. Gai shrugged at the though of it, and instinctively covered his them with his hands. Asuma looked at him sideways and simply stated, "Gorilla-deal again, huh?".

Kurenai did not feel any better. After her little show at the ramen bar, she was being stalked by hordes of horny men, it was too much for even a ninja to take. Not to mention her hair had turned all frizzy and un-ladylike after her unexpected meeting with the murky waters of Konoha River.

Asuma felt equally bad. If not worse. His order of "Nico-Rush Turbo" patches was late, and the old ones just didn't do the trick anymore. Not to mention his image as the manliest man ever had been shattered, even to himself. This was even worse than the time Choji had caught his willie in his zipper, and Asuma had to help him. He felt the urge to gag, but his inner Asuma screamed at him that only girly-men puke. Asuma nodded in agreement, and fell silent.

In fact all of them were currently basking in their own utter defeat, the game completely forgotten. Suddenly Kurenai straitened up and smashed a fist into the game.

"What the hell are we doing here boys?" She said sternly, eying both of them as well as she could. "We can't let this minor setback stop us!"

"Minor setback?" Gai said, pouting like a baby. "Try big setback...In fact if you have got the time, this in a 30 feet high setback, with a large sign on the top saying: **This is a large set back!** And it got Kakashi's smirking face painted all over it.."

Everybody cringed when the horrible mental picture Gai just had painted, hit them. Asuma actually almost vomited, but managed to keep it in, and with that the last shrivel of his doomed manliness.

"What should we do?" Gai tried meekly.

"We kick his ass" Asuma hissed through clenched teeth "We beat that bastard into a bloody pulp, and dance naked upon his grave, that's what we will do! We will hack him into tiny piec..." Asuma was fuming, even his rugged beard looked infuriated.

"No, no, calm down, Asuma" Kurenai interrupted, his increasingly rabid train of thought. "Brute force is not the way of the ninja"

"Yes" Gai joined in "We need a cunning plan"

"You wouldn't recognize a cunning plan if it painted itself purple and danced in front of you.." Asuma spat, clearly sour because his own brilliant plan was so quickly rejected

"I'm just saving you from more embarrassment, idiot" Gai retorted, "It seems you could need all the help you can get."

"What?!" Asuma screamed as he got to his feet and secured a hold of Gai's collar "I'm twice the ninja you are! You can't even tell ninjutsu from your own ass!" They both glared daggers at each other, before Kurenai interrupted them with a firm slap to both their faces.

Both of them looked stunned, before they yelled in unison "What the hell was that for?!"

"Snap out of it!" Kurenai fumed "We are not getting any sweet revenge by fighting among ourselves." The heavy logic of this simple statement got to even blockheads like Gai. Both him and Asuma muttered a half-hearted excuse and looked at their shoes.

"What can we do then?" Asuma asked, totally bereft of his almighty manliness.

"Basic academy wisdom, my friends" Kurenai smiled as she put her arms around the shoulders of both men. "Strength in numbers!"

"Meaning what?" Gai asked, dumb as a rock

"We gang up on him..." Kurenai answered with a sigh

"And kick his sorry behind?" Asuma urged enthusiastically

"YES!" Gai shouted punching the air.

"Yes indeed" Kurenai said with a sinister smile "Yes indeed"

"But that was my plan!" Asuma started to complain,

"Shut up Asuma" Kurenai interrupted him, before he could ramble on again.

"Uh...ok.." came the defeated reply. In the far corners of Asuma's mind, his broken manliness was currently looking for thick rope and a wobbly chair.

"It's settled then" Gai said smugly...."We kick Kakashi's ass!"

Then they all laughed evilly...very very evilly indeed

Somewhere deep in the Sound Village Orochimaru sensed something bad. He was so disturbed by it, that he cringed, making Kabuto, his butt wife, spill his evil nail polish all over his beloved masters feet. Kabuto was heartbroken, for marring his one true loves beautiful nails. But he did not feel half as bad as Orochimaru himself. He had just realized that somewhere, something in this world, was even more evil than himself.

In the meantime Kakashi had finally dared to go outside again. He had decided not to let those three buffoons ruin the one truly good week he had all year. The rest of his life was filled with missions and being the teacher of probably the most screwed up pre-teens on the planet. After the ugly shock he had received earlier, he had rearranged his precious porn-collection, just to calm his nerves. Again he set his sights on the forests and headed for his favourite tree, by his favourite creak, with his favourite book. His one visible eye cringed in an upward arc as he happily skipped along the road. His happiness was short lived though, as three figures appeared on the road ahead of him

"Awfully chirpy today, aren't we?" Asuma said in a scornful way

"Haven't you guys anything better to do?" Kakashi sighed "Like go hang yourselves?"

"Shut up" Came the sharp reply from Kurenai "You have taken my dignity!"

"And my cigarettes!" Asuma joined in.

"And my precious LEE!" Gai almost screamed tears running down his cheeks.

"YOU WILL PAY!" They all screamed simultaneously.

"You brought this upon yourselves, you moronic bastards!" Kakashi screamed back frustrated. "Just leave me alone!"

"Ready yourself Hakate Kakashi" Asuma said as all three of them went into combat stances.

"Oh crap" was the only thing Kakashi managed to say

Gai was the first one to launch his assault. Sprinting forward in a lightning fast head on attack, he forced Kakashi to react, while the others could position themselves. Gai threw a straight punch at Kakashi's face, that Kakashi managed to block with a downward thrust of his left arm. Almost instantly Gai threw a second punch with his left arm. Kakashi realized that he had almost forgot just how fast Gai really was, and just barley managed to move his head sideways out of the way. As his head spun left, he saw Asuma starting a seal-sequence, out of the corner of his eye. Even though he saw it, he could not recognise what it would do. Gai followed up his punches, with a low spinning kick, that caught Kakashi a bit off guard. As he jumped out of the way, Asuma bellowed out: "Beard Spear no Jutsu!" his rugged and manly beard suddenly grew into a long spear aimed straight for Kakashi, who was still in mid air. The manly facial hair spear would have impaled him, if he had not managed to twist his body backwards narrowly avoiding it. But all this had gotten him terribly off balance, and when Kurenai threw a bunch of shurikens at him he couldn't avoid them all. One of them caught his shoulder, but he had no time to react to the pain as Gai attacked again, this time with his trademark Konoha Senpuu. The copy ninja realized that, he would quickly loose if he stayed on the defensive, and in a moment he changed his tactics. Ducking under Gai's kick, he grabbed his foot and used the momentum to throw Gai towards Asuma. Taking advantage of the split second confusion, Kakashi collected chakra at his feet, and launched himself towards Kurenai. 3 on 1 were too much to take, he had to even the odds, now. Kurenai started a seal sequence, but Kakashi reached her with a left sidekick before she could finish. As Kurenai blocked the kick by crossing her arms over her chest, Kakashi pulled two kunai from the pouch on his outstretched leg, and threw them backwards, to keep Asuma and Gai occupied, if even for just a split second more. Kurenai threw right hook, that Kakashi easily dodged and countered with a straight low kick to the knee, followed up with a backhanded punch to the side of the head, that sent Kurenai flying. He turned to face the remaining foes, but to his dismay, the kunais had not bought him as much time as he needed. Asuma had thrown a shuriken and followed up with Kage Shuriken no Jutsu. As Kakashi tried to avoid the approaching wall of pointy metal, Gai came seemingly out of nowhere and managed to connect a powerful punch to Kakashi's abdomen. Everything went very fast downhill from there. As he rolled along the ground, Asuma hit him with a flying shoulder-tackle, that sent poor Kakashi into a nearby tree. When he tried to get up, his vision blurred, and the tree seemed to somehow secure him in its embrace. It was to late when he realized that Kurenai had gotten back up, and he was trapped in her genjutsu. Sighing in annoyance, he looked up at three very content, and in Kakashi's mind, idiotic Jounin.

"Now, let's see that book of his" Asuma said, growling like a grizzly bear, grinning like a loon. Kakashi struggled against his genjutsu prison, but could not for his life break them. Gai tiptoed over to Kakashi smiling so brightly Kakashi almost went snow-blind. As the beautiful green beast reached into the pocket that contained the book over all books, Kakashi's voice turned dark.

"Get your filthy hands of Itcha-chan" he growled in a tone so menacing and dark Gai almost jumped. Regaining his composure, he nervously cleared his throat and continued. He took out the book and turned triumphantly toward his comrades, only to be met with two pairs of frightened eyes. As Gai turned again he could see chakra collecting around Kakashi. It was so much it was visible to the naked eye. Gai started quivering as Kakashi met his gaze, with eyes that seemingly could burn through steel. Kurenai had started sweating.

"I can't hold him..." she stammered "this chakra is terrible..."

With a roar Kakashi expelled the vast amount of chakra from his feet, blasting free of the genjutsu's hold, completely shattering the tree in the process.

The tree confused jounins looked around themselves, not seeing Kakashi anywhere.

"There" Gai shouted pointing at another tree. There was the mighty copy ninja in all his glory, sharingan eye uncovered, gleaming red death at them. He opened his mouth and a voice they did not recognize bellowed across the field

"Violators of the holy book!"

"Huh? What, us?" Gai looked confused at the others.

"You are guilty of defiling that which is most revered, and for that you dogs shall pay dearly!" Kakashi screamed this in a commanding and condescending way, he sounded like a clergyman.

"What the fuck is that madman babbling about?" Kurenai mused

"He's has to have cracked his noodle..." Asuma stated flatly. The sudden change in Kakashi's behaviour was almost as comical as it was scary.

"Prepare to die!" Kakashi screamed, his voice almost breaking up. Then suddenly he disappeared.

"Uh, where did he go now?" Kurenai said, a bit uncertain if they had gotten themselves into deep doo-doo.

"There he is, that bastard" Asuma said puffing his chest out to try and look more masculine and menacing to his enemy.

"There he is!" Gai shouted, pointing into the distance . And surely enough, there was Kakashi currently into what seemed to be a long seal sequence. "Rising Earth Wall no Jutsu!" he screamed

"Huh?" Asuma said again, he was not by any means the sharpest ninja in Konoha

"Isn't that an Hokage level jutsu?" Kurenai asked looking scared

"Eh...yes" Gai stated nervously

They all looked at each other in moment as if to say "why the hell didn't I stay home today"

Then suddenly all went dark. As they looked up an earth wall about 20 meter tall loomed over them. They looked at each other again dumbstruck.

"Uh...run?" Gai half asked, half suggested. In a moment the all scattered in a panicked way, only seconds before the mud wall came crashing down. As they scattered in different directions Kakashi singled out Asuma as his target. As Asuma realized that the crazy sharingan-bastard was going after him, he bravely turned and stood his ground. Now, the two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. Asuma contained a vast amount of both. Kakashi advanced on with alarming speed, Asuma did not have time to use a ninjutsu, so he lashed out with his brass knuckles. Kakashi blocked them with a kunai so hard that Asuma was pushed back. Asuma refused to go on defence, and attacked with a flurry of punches and kicks, but hit nothing but air. At this point Gai and Kurenai, joined their comrade, but their attempts would ultimately prove futile. Gai moved in with a flying kick, that Kakashi jumped up and blocked mid air. Kurenai saw this as an attempt to unleash a genjutsu, but when she finished the seal-sequence, nothing happened. She looked bewildered at her hands, having no clue to what might have happened. Before she got the chance to think more of it she was kicked in the head, momentarily passing out. This left Gai and Asuma. Then Gai did something totally unexpected. He started a seal-sequence of his own!

"Eat this!" he screamed "Grand Fire Ball no Jutsu!" But nothing happened! He tried it again, but Kakashi just stood there grinning under his mask. Gai cursed and tried again pressing as hard as he could. Resulting in him farting.. There was an embarrassed silence before Asuma broke out in a laughing fit. As he pointed at the humiliated Gai he exclaimed

"Hahahahah! You really can't tell ninjutsu from your own ass! Hahahaha, looser!" "This is how it's done!" he said cocksure, his manliness soaring to new heights. But his jutsu attempt ended just as the others.

"What the f....?" he looked like he had seen a green pig doing the can-can. Then he saw Kakashi smiling devilishly with a chidori in each hand

"Good night boys" he said darkly

"W-wait!" was all Asuma managed to say before all went dark.

When the three of them woke up they were bound on hands and feet. Looking up they saw Kakashi sitting casually back against a tree, looking at them. They all struggled against their bonds but none of them could break them.

"When the hell did you get so freakishly strong?" Kurenai said angrily.

"That was freaking Hokage level techniques! How could you pull that off?" Gai continued

"And why the hell didn't any of our jutsu's work?" Asuma fumed. After all it was very un-manly to be tied up so close to another man.

Kakashi sighed. Then he cleared his throat. "I have always been this good**_"_**

"Huh? Always?" Gai said, "I don't believe you" he pouted "You are my eternal rival, and I'm better than you!"

"Why did you hide it then, you ass?" Kurenai said harshly. Not only had their plan backfired, they had gotten themselves beaten up and humiliated even more. Her dignity was currently as dead as a sound-nin.

"Why the hell didn't our jutsus work!?" Asuma screamed. He had made a total ass of himself and on top of that he was being ignored.

"You all fell victim to my ultimate technique" Kakashi stated whilst staring of into the distance.

"I didn't see any seals" Gai looked like a question mark

"I did it with my ass" Kakashi stated as if it was a completely normal thing.

"How gay" Asuma said sourly

"With your ass? How the hell does that work?"

"A trained Jounin can expel chakra from every opening in his body. I just managed to make my own set of seals with my ass."

"Seals with your ass, no wonder you hid it" Asuma continued

"They are not ordinary seals, they are counter-seals. For each seal, I discovered a counterseal. Take the dog seal for example, my cat-seal counteracts it. With my sharingan I can tell what seals you are about to use, and counter it with my own ass-counter-seals. It's my unbeatable combo. I could be the Hokage with my skills" he grinned.

"The great AssKage of konoha..that would have worked wonders for public relations" Gai said clearly pissed off by the fact that Kakashi was leagues ahead of him in the ninja department.

"Then why did you hide it?" Kurenai asked again

Kakashi turned serious "I hated the killing and death"

"What a lame excuse" Asuma interrupted "We have all been through that hell"

At that statement Kakashi set his stern eyes on him and almost screamed

"Hell can't hold a candle to what I've been through! Hell is punishment for sinners, scum and the wretched. War is chaotic unlinear and surreal. At least hell is ruled by some divine logic. War consumes all those who get entangled in its web. In hell you suffer for your own wrongdoings, in war you die for the sins and wrongdoings of others. War is not fought by humans. Warriors turn themselves into mad dogs, hell-bent on their own deliverance. Their own deliverance and nothing else. When you charge a battlefield, you would gladly fling a kunai at you best friend if he where on the wrong side, to ensure your own survival. Comradery is crushed under the hell of your own ego. In battle you twist a sword in your heart to become a tool, emotions will only get you killed. Ideals like honour, glory and self-sacrifice for the greater good are hammered into your head from the first day at the academy. They mean nothing! Hypocritical bullshit! Kill without emotion, but still fight for others, the ones you are supposed to love? It's romantic crap.. The only purpose ideals serve is to remind you of how useless you are, when you are to scared to move! The ones you call your friends, dieing around you, and all you do is freeze whilst Konoha's precious ideals scream at you that you are lower than trash. Konoha, our precious home, the home we will defend with our very lives is a joke! We are merchants of the afterlife, we deal in death. We kill for money, and we dear call ourselves noble? Ninja diplomacy is like saying "Good doggy!" until you can find a rock."

"So why did I hide my skills? I was 17 years old and ha already lost all that I loved, murdered countless foes. I was called a "one man genocide" but for all my powers I could not save anyone. I am a force of death and destruction, that could never save a soul. I have only brought terror, death and sorrow to others. In my years of combat and killing, I realized that this way of life revealed the worst in me, made me feel sick, made me hate myself, right into my heroic, good-for-nothing, rotten soul. So I hid my skills, just as I hid from the blade of my enemy. To escape my torment, try and pick up the pieces of my bruised, battered, burnt and shattered heart. I led the life of a normal Jounin, my stagnation classified as a case of early blooming. I kept away from people, hid my face, my shame. I have never been able to face my demons, so I hide to escape. Why do you think my Genin test was that hard? I did not want anyone in my life. I did not want anyone to get close enough to realize, just as I did, what a monster I had turned myself into. I have seen myself and it made my stomach turn, how do you think others would react?"

"Why didn't you just quit, if it was so horrible?" Asuma said in defiance. He hated the idea of being lectured. Even more so he hated the fact that Kakashi was right.

"I can't deny what I am. Being a ninja is all I can. Besides sticks and stone can break my bones, but so would an 80 kg carrot. And you don't see me running around afraid of overgrown vegetables"

"What the hell are you talking about?" Kurenai asked irritated

"I could not afford to be afraid, it would kill me. When you were 5 you were taught about love and peace in kinder garden. I was taught about death and destruction. You were taught that the best way to a man's heart is through his stomach. I was taught that the best way to a man's heart is to saw his chest open."

"Well enough is enough" Kakashi said, suddenly chirpy again. "Hope this has taught you guys something. I'm off to read my book. IN PEACE!" he looked at all three of them, and in a puff of smoke he was gone.

"Ah fuck.." Asuma pouted, I give up

"Never!" Gai screamed

"That's right!" Kurenai joined in. Every strong man has a weakness, I know just the thing!

"Another plan?" Asuma rolled his eyes. "Just see where your previous plan got us"

"Oh trust me boys, this is an old hyuuga family secret I know, that would do the trick!"

"A secret?" Gai asked

"Yes indeed" Kurenai said as smugly as the first time "Yes indeed, Hakate Kakashi will pay! No matter the cost!" Then she proceeded with laughing evilly, all by herself

What is this Hyuuga secret that will bring down Kakashi? Is there a technique powerful enough to stop the ass-wielding ninja? All will be reviled in the next chapter!


End file.
